I'm Proud to be......A Donut Licking American

I’ve been quietly sorting through a few of life’s big honking derailments over the past year, after struggling through a few years of rebuilding from scratch a safe and thriving home base.  It had felt a tad hypocritical to write under the heading Woman in Control.  I thought of putting in a disclaimer in the fine print….Woman in Control of attempting to avoid a nervous breakdown, Woman in Control of this tiny little moment and nothing else…..Woman in Control of the few random items that fit in her backpack and lacking the control needed to leave the books, extra shoes, sketch supplies and second camera at home when hiking. ... I chose that Blog Title when everything in my somewhat safe, suburban, wifely existence was intact so to speak.  Just before it fell from underneath me spinning all else out of control.  I felt  at that time I needed to quickly gain control and ensure to the best of my ability, that life went on as intact as was possible for my children.  I did the best I could, it was not always great or without problems, but it was the best I could do in the face of some pretty heady challenges.  We survived.  And I am able to say we are all thriving now.   Living the dream in a manner of speaking.  My manner anyway, with humor and gratitude and good friends to share the joy and pain with. 

So I’m ready to throw my two cents back into the cyber sphere and I figured I would start with a big and serious problem.  America.  Americans.  A few, anyway.  I’ll start with one.  And just for kicks I’ll expand on my thoughts and include a few American’s.  It’s summer, you might want to pour yourself a pretty drink and put your feet up. Because you can.  Because most of you, my reading audience, are American and Americans like all that summer fun, kicking back light and easy party cocktail kinda thing.  I know I do. 

Donuts seem to be this summer’s big news.  Are they American? If not, we certainly have Americanized them.  With a Dunkin Donut or Krispy Kreme, Tim Horton’s, Honey Do, Daylight….or even Wolfee’s doughnut shop within 500 calories of most every American at any time, why wouldn’t we want to spend a great deal of time talking about donuts?   And while we’re at it, lets make a certain little donut licker a household name.  And since we like to pontificate and point fingers and prosecute….let’s also bring up the possibility of criminal charges?  What the hey, there’s not much else in the news.  Why discuss the growing number of Republican candidate’s in the presidential ring?  Looking at a few of them, it’s hard not to imagine there are a few wave-flagging donut-eating Republican’s  amongst them.  Why talk about Iran and all the news related to the new Nuclear agreement?  Why ruin a perfectly good summer after all?

Are there laws on the great American justice books that deal with donuts?  I would look it up but, I don’t really care.

So let me jump right in now......

Apparently, or maybe only if you watch the latest news breaking video in slow motion and have great lip reading skills, ok, maybe they just have to be mediocre, I personally have very weak lip reading skills beyond NO, or Shhh, or I love you.  I needed the captions and voice overs to discover that Ariana Grande, the American I promised to discuss, wanted a donut, and when she didn’t get one, after patiently waiting…ok I’m not that patient either, so to me it seemed a reasonable time, and after waiting that time she muttered or said under her breath, or maybe without breathing at all, something like Americans are dumb, or I hate America, or whatever….who cares?  It might seem I do, since I’m writing about it.  But honest to Dunkin…haven’t we all at one time or another felt like service was especially slow?  And as American’s haven’t we all been lead to believe it is our God given right to demand service NOW!?  What could be more patriotic these days, years, last several decades then getting on our high horses and belittling those in the service industry?  The very industry all those great Republicans have been promoting at the expense of keeping a manufacturing or product based industry on our proud shores? The industry that almost guarantees low wages and poor working conditions, to ensure one in a million American’s continues to live the American dream by becoming something from nothing, like for instance….Ariana Grande?  Maybe she started as something and is now something else…I don’t know much about her, and I don't care that much about her beginnings humble or otherwise.

The reason this story appealed to me is the gloriously flag waving American feel to it all.  Damn! Are we the luckiest people on this whole donut licking planet or what?  For one thing we do summer like no one else around, or across the globe at least.  We let our children out of school and put our brains on hold for a couple of months every year.  We fill our days with inane summer reading material, watching reality stretching summer block busters, drinking summer brews, and enjoying our summer vacations because we don't have a care in the world when summer comes along.  I had an Adirondack Tangerine Dream just last night.  It tasted like Pledge, so being American, I ordered up a different one.  Because I could.  Because I live in America and I am an American. 

Stop here a minute, please, because quite honestly, I can’t imagine donuts have ever been included on  the summery recipe pages of any summer magazine or been featured at a summer barbecue and here we are talking about donuts like never before. It’s amazing isn’t it?  Anything can happen in America!  If I had to guess, Ms. Grande might be enjoying royalties from the Donut Makers of America Coalition, or do they have a Super Pac?  I think the great All-American Kale marketing team from last summer might have been tapped by the donut growers, oh I mean donut fryers of America. 

OK seriously, if anyone can really take any of this seriously….    AMERICA!!! WAKE UP!!! Ariana Grande is a pop singer.  A sweet little thing.  She’s 22 years old. Cut her some lip sugary slack.  To some of you out there, you are already saying "22 my ass!" Or something like that…you are thinking when you were 22 you were married, and paying bills, and had enough sense not to be licking donuts in a slow paced donut shop… lighten up.  We have discovered news breaking science in the past few years…turns out a 22 year old’s brain hasn’t fully developed yet, they are being controlled by practically cortex free floating jelly fish at this point, which explains your marriage at 22, or at least maybe mine.  I might have been better off licking donuts and muttering ethnic slurs about my own ethnic group at 22, who knows?

But back it up a little.  Remember she’s a pop singer, and she writes or at least sings lyrics that seem to scream of some serious donut love.  Listen: I guess time’s wasting. Tick tocking lip locking How can we keep the feelings fresh? How do we zip lock it.  You don’t need to play this song backwards to see she wants her GD donut NOW.  Quick, or get a plastic baggy to keep it fresh before she doesn’t just lick it, but she really goes to town on that donut.  The morning news shows might be clever to get a few of their staff psychologists to crack this case or add more mileage to it. 

We aren’t talking about a young woman from a country with conditions that force her to experience great adversity every day.  Think seriously about this for a minute, would Malala Yousafzai have changed the world if one of her big struggles in life was getting a donut in a timely manner?  I really feel confident saying, “Nope! A big old hell no to that!”

Now lets add insult to injury…..FOX news.  Now REALLY people….. AMERICA!!! like I said….WAKE UP! These folks don’t know a donut from a donut hole, a Latina from an I-talian, an American from an American.  They do know news about hate mongering gets an angry mob growing, In some circles it's become a sad and pathetic American past time.  It brings patriotic America lovers out in droves, as long as you are that one particular kind of patriotic American that can’t figure stuff out on your own so you jump on the FOX bandwagon eating your red, white and blue sprinkled donuts wanting to send Ariana back to her own country even though she's from this country.

I watched this story unfold, in the light and breezy moments of an early summer afternoon, because, well, it’s summer and it seemed a little bit like some cotton candy colored glimpse at ridiculousness.  And don’t we all need that in our lives sometimes?  Frivolous confection? I wondered what the big hullabaloo was all about.  (Isn’t that a fun summery sounding word? Try it out. It’s summer after all...go hog wild and live a little!)  I watched and this is what I thought, it was pure sweet confection with a puppy love twist.  Her boyfriend was egging her on, as she was waiting for a donut. She barely touches the donut with the tip of her tongue.  Doofy, silly, summery mischief at the donut shop.  OK maybe hating on Americans wasn’t necessary…but haven’t we all said goofy things that in the wrong eyes might seem all sorts of awful when in fact they weren’t really words to be hung up on? Or hanged for?  I don’t know…we could all use to lighten up and lick a donut because we are in love or having fun or making a not so great situation a little better from time to time.

I don’t know about the rest of you, or the strongly influenced angered Americans that were hot and bothered by this latest celebrity scandal but my mind is eased at knowing Ariana won’t be spending time in court or in the county jail because criminal charges have not been filed.   I’m kinda thinking MR. Wolfee had to step up his staff to attend to all the donut purchasing that happened after Ariana kissed a donut and she liked it…Oh, WOOPS! that’s a different FOX offending pop singer….

It’s bathing suit season, I fully understand why she simply touched that donut with her tongue…frosting settles on the thighs faster than a news breaking scandal hits the airwaves.  A little carb control goes a long way for this woman.  French crullers….now those are feather light summer treats….but wait….do I need to call them Freedom Crullers to support the cause?

*****UPDATE*****WOLFEE IS PRESSING  CHARGES...STAY TUNED****** Or enjoy summer and tune out.